I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
