Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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