Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize