Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
