Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
