i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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