OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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