I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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