if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
