He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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