Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
