I just pynch a tree in the face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
