please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
