Where is the hickey?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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