Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have demons in me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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