i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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