we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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