I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
