i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
