She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm always down for nudity.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
