She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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