I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize