I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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