he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
