I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize