he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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