Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
