I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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