My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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