After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
