he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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