best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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