my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
