I just threw up on my dentist
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
