if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
