So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
