she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
