The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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