Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
