The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
