maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
