I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
