If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize