How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
