NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
