I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
