He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I want to fling myself into the sun
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
