Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize