Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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