Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
