sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
