end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
