im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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