why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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