I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
