I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
