I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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