my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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