The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
