I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So vagazzling was a success
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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