I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize