yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
