wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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