i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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