why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
